This is probably the most personal entry I've written up to date. Maybe I should be more honest, more often...
I'm not happy... I've never been... or if I ever were I cant remember it... I look at photos of me, from when I was little, I would like to catch an honest smile or a passionate moment inside those images... I mostly smile of them, those pictures, I did have a fine childhood, in many ways I was happy then. I thought I was always going to be a child, thought I were always going to have the opportunity to cry, play and feel irresponsible without ever feeling restricted... I was very overprotected, I see this now... Today I feel the world to be monstrous, I'm scared of everything and myself. I never wanted to be an adult, I never dreamed about it when I was little. I don't fit to be what I am, I hate being an adult, I hate being a human, I hate being a girl -it all makes me feel restricted. None of these things are me, they make me silent and weird, because I don't know how to express myself trough them... I've been standing on the edge of my life a hundred million times, no one knows... I'm a secret, no one really knows me...
I once were at a physiatrist. Not because I had emotional problems, but because I spent so much time in hospitals growing up, that the doctors thought I should go see a doctor, because I had seen too many doctors and this could lead to emotional problems. It's many years ago now, I was fourteen then. I told him about myself and my friends. At the time I usually had a carefree spirit, thinking back now at this, I remember happy times from I was in my early school days. He told me I really didn't have any friends, I had none, they only liked me because they felt sorry for me, because of me spending so much times in the hospitals. I never really told anyone, but it was a pretty hard thing for me, hearing these words of his. Afterwards I would spend hours alone crying in a public toilet. I think something in me died back then, I never felt the same afterwards. I thought I could never trust anyone again, and now I feel restricted, unhappy and lonely most of the time, even when I'm being with friends...
After this incident, I started skipping school a lot and because of this I went into a lot of fights with my parents. They didn't understand why I didn't want to go to school. Mom always said she really loved school at my age and my dad felt ashamed, they didn't understand me and I didn't understand myself either... I have few friends today, I don't trust people, I don't like to trust people, I feel they are going to hurt me, I always think that way... Why would they want to be with me anyway?... Ever since this comment by this doctor I've had these questions in my mind, what do I have to give, to make someone want to be with me, to enjoy it, and not because they feel sorry for me? I don't want to be a burden, because I want people to feel carefree and happy about being with me...I have people I can talk to, but no one I can talk with... no one that share my feeling of pain and yearning... Is it selfish to think like this? I feel I can see other peoples pain, and it hurts me the same, but every individual pain is personal, it's a loner it itself and I understand people that say that no one understands them... You can only live your own life, no one else can live it for you... So many times, I've heard someone close to me say; I wish I could do these things for you, be in your place, stay at the hospital for you. I wish that too a lot of times, maybe they would understand me then and I wouldn't feel so separated from those I care about. When your a loner like me and you only have your own little ego to take care of, you get easily selfish then, narrow minded too, you don't open up and let people into your black void to often then. You let them stay out in the cold alone, make them feel restricted and confused. Then they call you difficult and you find that you cant really argue about it... I've never loved anyone, (except from my family). I've never been in love with someone I knew. People say that love is such a pain and they can talk about for hours, but how would they think it would be like, to never have loved anyone. To never been touched in the heart...
I live in the past, things were better when I was little. Yes I was overprotected, my parents didn't exactly show me, that there were a reality, cruel and damaging, outside my own soft little world. Somehow I were often nervous and anxious when I was little anyway. I feared losing my overprotection; the adult white clinical world of hospitals, made me fear this and I still fear it... I guess it's the fear of becoming an adult and I felt this fear in a very early age... the fear of being left alone to sort things out on your own... I'm not happy, I've never been... I want someone to take me away, be like a soulmate to me, understand me and remove me from this world...
