To The Ones I Feel

I woke up at around seven in the evening today. It was dark outside. I thought it was early in the morning. I found something in me, the dark depressive me was lurking and wanting to come out. I don't know, maybe it was because I had slept all night and day... but I'm used to doing this, so my body and mind doesn't usually react to these things... I hate people. I hate myself. I hate everyone really. A lot of the people I know particularly. Most of them are shitheads. I rarely see them, but when I do I always get depressed. They only seem care about themselves, they stress trough their little precious life and think that they are special. Usually they are nobody.

They feel sorry for themselves when they have to go to the dentist. They make me want to become completely shelfish; I've done hundred million more serious things, in a hospital than going to the dentist. I've nearly died. I've taken cancer medications that makes you puke and get your intestines ruined and I've never even had cancer. Growing up I went trough; I don't know how many, medication test programs in the hospital. The hospital have been my second home. I were there for a whole year one time. People don't understand these things, maybe I don't make it too easy for them to understand either. It's just that I've always felt I were on a different stage. I hate myself for not letting go, of my past, my selfish friends and my anger at the world and everybody...

I have a really good friend. She lives in Oslo and her name is Gretzen. We understand each other, in a way I've never felt with anyone else. I met her in a hospital when I were little and we've spent many times together behind the white walls. I care about her and I worry about her a lot. If something happened to her, I know I would not survive...

I have been very aggressive lately, in myself and in my entries here. Tonight I thought about making another aggressive attempt at another aggressive entry. Now it seems like this one is turning out to be a really caring and gentle one. I like that... I do have a gentleness in me too, it's just that I have a problem with expressing it...

Before I end this I'd like to say; As long as they respect me, I Respect all rebels that say that all Christians are stupid. Most of them are, they are fuckers. I just talked to one the other day and that someone wasn't even a Christian, but were as old fashioned as the dusty lacework to my grandmother. Go wear your upside down crosses and pentagrams! I will never hate that in itself. I dont want to judge people after their clothes or symbols, I'll judge them after their character. So go wear the upside down crosses! Let them feel that you are taking the crosses away from them. I would never wear a upside down cross myself, but if it makes the narrow minded blush, then I'll have a piece of that black cake and feel better with a smile...

We are not really different, we are just separated. I don't want to separate myself from people that also feel alienated, just because they wear some symbols I don't agree with. It would make me stupid too. I always wanted to be very individualistic, but sometimes you know; I want my favourite cake and I don't want to eat it alone...

PEOPLE I LIKE:
gretZen
Jonas (my brother)
my parents
kYm
Sorrow
Ellen
and a few other people I know online.
If you are not mentioned here and I do know you, it means you can Fuck Off! and go to hell. I feel this way because you never invited me to your nifty parties. Or because you borrowed things and not you or the things returned. Or because you are too busy to care. I dont want to care about these people anymore, I'm tired.