Lets talk about flies.In my wishlists page, I have added my little love for plastic flies. Because I love flies in general. Few people do, but I like them. My grandmother even gave them names, so I have started to name them too, because my grandmother are not around anymore. Although they can be annoying at times, I always try to rescue them if they have fallen in water. No matter how small they are. Because if you look at them closely, they attend to their own little life, all small little beings do. They compete, they pursue and they strive in their own tiny world. And flies are ambitious little floaters, naive little air sailors. And why should they matter less than us? You can admire humanity however you like. We have flags, we have songs and we have pride. For what?...
I tend to pity humanity more than I like it, to show it; I put plastic flies on my jacket.
The summer that passed, I sat here late at night in front of my computer, with a big and annoying fly around me. After a long and irritating time in company with the fly, I started to hope that it would go for my glass and end up in the Coke. The dark sizzling waters. And when it finally did, I quickly carried out the glass and forgot about it. Because of the fly and other things too, that had nothing to do with flies; I was overheated, I was cooked in anger and selfish convulsion. It often happens. All night I sat there, caring about my chips, music, TV and computer. My own head and my world. It's not always lovely, intermittently I even hate it.
And the next day, when I came out of my room, I just happened to look at the glass; and it was still alive. A shiny black fly with blue metallic colours. The fly that everybody hates the most. But it strived for it's life. All night it had strived, in the warm sticky Coka Cola. And I felt bad about my extreme aggression towards it. No matter how tired I was, I had to save it. As if my life depended on it, I had to get the fly out of there. Suddenly trough the brainpain and the drowsiness of staying up all night; my anger fell asleep and I dressed myself, in my mental nurse outfit. And for once I was calm. I was steady. Not exactly like in the final stages of Captain Miller's hand, in Saving Private Ryan, but almost.
I have never saved a life that are valued in our society, when I wear this nurse outfit. In other words; I have never saved anyone. But I have saved many anyway...
I got the fly out of there and gave it a dry paper cloth to sit on. There it sat and washed it's small shiny wings and I wondered if it knew, I existed or not. If it knew, feeling the wickedness of humanity; that I had a special mental nurse outfit, created in it's name... When I came back to look for it, it was gone.
As a kid I ate flies. Those I found in my grandmother's dusty windows. I remember I was lower than the window frame and heard the little buzzing sound of flies, that lay in the heat and dust, dying. Because my grandmother feared open windows and fresh air. So I got to know the flies in her house and I loved the sound of them, as much as I loved the dust and confined air. My world at that time, was a small one after all. And what were the exploration of Mount Everest for some, were my grandmum's window for me. Whenever someone turned around, I would climb into her old couch, that was named Briggen-Albertine (It's the kind of name, that sailors would give their boats. Because Briggen is a Norwegian nick for boat.) Because my grandmother liked to nickname, her objects too.
When no one saw me, I would put up a desperate attempt, to reach one of the window hasps. I held onto it with my pointing finger and pulled myself up, to the backrest of Briggen-Albertine. There I would experience the pure childish joy, of half-dead flies. I would play with them and place them in my mouth and take them out again and place the wet leggy things in the window again. Eventually some of them didn't move anymore. I often then decided to eat them. Because the mouth was an exploration place, in itself. My mother would often push me in the cheeks and tell me to spit out. I remember her angry words; -"What do you have in your mouth?" One time I would open up and remove a night-flying moth, clip it in two with my fingers and hand the back part to her, while putting the front part with wings back into my mouth. Bug eating was natural to me, in my own world.
At that time I was really too young, to look at the flies as live creatures. But when my mother told me a story, about the ants and their family; I regretted my fly eating hobby. I would go out into our front yard, bend down to the ground and be there for a long time. I studied the small moving objects and realized that they had a life. And it was a new discovery for me, because I didn't know that. Most kids probably go trough this, but my mum gave me a guilt, that maybe not all kids felt. I would try not to step on any ants from then on and if some of them got hurt, I would try to help them. Because in my naive overly caring mind, I really thought I could help an ant, with my clumsy childrens fingers. The same once that accidently ruined my mum's lipsticks and my own toys. So yes, even as a child I was an aggressive Pacifist. Because children are easily inspired and easily manipulated beings.
And because I often went to the cemetery with my grandmother, it became an environment that inspired me a great deal. Shouldn't flies have a cemetery too? Live beings as they were, shouldn't they get gifts in front of a tombstone, just like any other person? And did they have their own fly God, or was it the same God that we had? I asked many questions. But my grandmother didn't think, that flies went to heaven. She didn't either think that the man my other grandmother lived with, would go to heaven. Where did he go then? I asked. My grandmother hesitated and I saw in her face, that I had dug up another difficult question. But in the end I was able push out of her a sentence; -"A black hole in the ground" she nodded, as though she wanted to convince herself... Just like ants then, I thought to myself, in the ground, in the dark dirt... And I remember thinking in that moment, that my grandmother was a bit unfair. Because I liked this man, I liked him more than my real granddad.
I was bold and deep, in my political beliefs as a child. And my grandmother were wrong in this case. Because if there was a God, he wouldn't exist, just for the sparrow or the praying folks. And I believed that there is a room for all beings, an understanding and an embrace. And if it didn't really exist, it existed in my world.
-Because I stopped eating flies. Instead I gathered the dead window flies and placed them on cotton, in little match stick boxes. And I was very scrupulous with the cotton; no fly should get less cotton than any of the other flies. Then I buried them in my own little fly cemetery, in between my grandmother's garden flowers. And there they would get gifts and crosses and everything a dead fly spirit could crave. Whatever that was. And there they lay, in boxes, like little people in a big world. And I was their God in a way. I had toyed with them, ignored them and killed them too. And if there was a space, a heaven, outside of this planet, it was way too big, even for me to understand.
These comments are taken from the site, where I used to keep my journal, before I moved it here.
You can add replies to the entry, or the comments below.
From realitychic: Wow this entry was amazing. I absolutely loved it. I find your bug eating habit to be quite amusing. But more than that, your perceptions about life and death are ones that I have entertained myself. The way you presented them, in a delightful chidhood memory, was fantastic. I've always wondered if pets go to heaven and if ants really deserved to be squished. Sadly however, I am not among the small population that enjoys the presence of flies. They mostly annoy me though I think their eyes are very cool. I like to see close pictures of them, and plastic bugs of any kind are always fun :) oh and I hope you feel better!
From Saru-San: That was really... beautiful. (Except maybe the part about eating insects. This reminds me of Dracula.) But even that part was so spiritual. I used to study insects (the kind that get into the food supply), and I love them... I have so many books about them... but I never really had the connection you have. I am finding you extremely fascinating!
From Andy: Dragon flys are the best.
From Dag Confusius: WELL WRITTEN entry !!! I can relate to it and caring for even the smallest bugs NOW... But at one point a long time ago i actually used a magnifying glass to burn ants :-( I was a kid and i cant really believe how i could do that now... And about God and stuff.. I think that He/She must have AT LEAST as big a love for animals as we do.. after all if we are to believe He/She MADE US.. and the animals, he must have as much love as we can have .. I really hope this world takes a turn to the good side of things.. Watching TV these days virtually makes me sick.. If Id watch any i would.. I watch LESS and less... One of the few non disgusting things to watch are pool and snooker on Eurosport.. That is a game I like.. Havent been to the local pool place for ages though... (the bowlinghall place besides Lidl you know..) I play a little pool on my computers though !
Hehe... but eating the flies eww hehehe :-p thats kids ... and i remember me and a relative my age, used to have fly swatting contests way back WAAAY back... the fly smacker was pretty gross after that .. we had great fun.. :-p but now ?? id NEVER do it again ...
From Anne: Bizarre yet moving entry I'd have to say. Somehow you're coming out w/ the fact that you save flies wasn't gross nor disturbing just moving to me. Bravo.
From Dag: Hope you get better btw.. I see your status-icon at the top of the page is "sick" :-/
From PUBLIUS: That was fun! Now that the election is over I think its time to be even more focused on politics but generally most people do the opposite. What about you?
From Raven: Thanks to everyone for the comments! And to Publius: I totally agree with you and I can promise you that I have just started. I'm going to give Bush supporters hell, for all the rest of the time he's going to be President.
From Brit: I think that's really great and sweet.