And in the inspirational days of Schiavo, I was hoping that they would pull, the pope's feeding tube as well. I'm just a bit tired of that guy and they wont even let him rest, after he's dead. He was old and rusty and had never been on vacation. He was tortured, in his soul and in his his body and they just didn't want to let him go. It's difficult for me to understand the meaning of a pope, or the meaning in the life of a pope. Why couldn't they just ship him off to Hawaii for a couple of years, so he could have a few last years, for himself. Boy, would that be wicked, cruel.
And now, he's maybe going to become a saint. And this is something that some strange people, obviously find very meaningful. The only thing I hope, is that his soul in heaven or wherever, doesn't suffer from Alzheimer.
Some people love to worship; people, gold and glitters and all things they consider to be pure and gentle and right and sweet. But damn, it's nothing even slightly romantic, or even spiritmoving about these things. The pope to me and the Vaticanet nonsense, is like dumb celebrities in gossip magazines. What is special about it? Isn't this just people who got so much cash up their ass, that they invent a sit on the ass hobby, or drink sparkily drinks on cruise ships hobby. Isn't it? Would I think differently of them, if I met them? Maybe, but probably not. Because I am that judgemental. I make a judgement based on what I see and from my experience, I have found that I'm more often correct, than I am wrong.
And if it's something I'm really good at, it's my judgement of people. I'm sharp and brutal at that, and that part of me, is something that a hand full of people, have disliked in me. I would be a lot more charming and sweet, if I wouldn't be so sharp (?). But I have never been a person that brush up to anyone, if I have an opinion, it will eventually be heard.
And it's not because I envy them, the flashy people I judge, it's because I dislike what they represent. Sure, I would maybe also like to drink sparkily drinks on a cruise ship, once or twice in my lifetime, but I wouldn't like to be them. And I wouldn't like to be a billionaire, as I don't think it's right, to have so much money.
But I did envy the pope, for his wonderful little wheelchair cars. Those superior vehicles, that would suit all rich, lazy and legslow people. I would love to have one and if I did, I would use it in the middle of the street, drive as a snail, on top of the white border line. But I wouldn't wave.
About my judgemental nature. When I dig deeper in myself, maybe it's because I was such a shy person as a kid (and I'm overall still a shy person). Shy people can tend to be hard with their critic, when it comes to the flamboyant folks. It's a fear that you will somehow be left out, because the popular kids in school, got so many opportunities. As the shy kid, you found that your good points was never as good, as the popular kids points.
And the other reason is; I'm afraid of people with authority. I am afraid of the police, doctors, priests, teachers and all types of dominant people. And I would never like to be one of them, nor would I fit for it. I don't like to take orders and I wouldn't want to order people around. Because of the fact that my brother, have always been an outgoing leader type and he have even studied psychology, I find him a bit scary at times. It's not that he isn't kind and good and he isn't even dominant, but it's that I'm afraid to be put under the pin. Maybe because I look up to these type of people, maybe because I feel less than them.
I would never want to become a criminal, but walking trough a metal detector, makes me feel like a criminal. I feel weak and frail and I am ashamed of all the things, a criminal would do. I am ashamed of the behaviour of other people. All the bad things that happen, are really my fault, because I should have, I could have solved it (?). That's what goes trough my mind. I put everything in me, to let it gnaw on me. And because I'm nervous and probably look worried, I am often also picked to step aside, by the police when traveling.
And because I have been sick all my life, I look at the doctors to be gods. And in my idea and experience, I will most defiantly be seen as a criminal, by many priests. Because I'm weak and bad in little ways and I still feel terrible, about the toy I stole from a friend, when I was a kid. I'm lazy with candy and I have a bad temper and I wouldn't live by a book, or someone's set of rules. I didn't even listen to my parents. I didn't care about grades and I skipped school. And because of the way I have dressed, I was madly scared of some of my friends parents, when I grew up. I often made a fool out of myself, in nerdy embarrassing ways, because of my shyness and because I have never liked, the normal fashion code. And it makes me sometimes ashamed, wanting to apologise. Apologise for the fact that I am sometimes socially handicapped, apologising for the way I dress, apologising for the fact, that it doesn't show my good sides, to those dominant and of authority.
But I would never be criminal. I wouldn't hurt a fly, I wouldn't trow a rock and I wouldn't like to boss with people. Never. And I have found the weakness in me, to be too kind sometimes. As a kid I was someone that was easily pushed around. I didn't want to be a burden, I didn't want to upset anyone and I liked to share. I was the friend that I wanted to have, but some dominant people find such a person, to be an easy target.
So growing up I have learned, to appreciate my judgement in people. It's what makes me firm, it's what makes more adapt and it's what protects my soft nature. And unfortunately, I have a sinister humour that comes with my judgement and the humour, are defiantly something criminal. But some can enjoy it and understand it and because I have never been a sucker for group relations, it rarely really bothers me, what the average people thinks. But in confrontation, I would have wanted people to see who I am, behind the shyness, behind the sharpness and be patient, with their discovery...
The days of Michael Jackson trash, isn't as fun as the O.J. Simpson trial was of course, because they decided not to air the trial itself. As I have said before, I don't think he will be put in for anything, no matter if he have done something wrong. The most fun thing about Michael nowadays, is that he won the "Most Foolish American" title for the third time. You have got to feel sorry for him, in little ways.
And President Bush got in on the top 10 list, number six. I don't know if his place was funnier, than Michael Jackson on number one. It's a bit sad that a President, are on the same top lists as people like Michael Jackson. It's just sad.
I'm thinking about moving my journal over to Livejournal, I'm very fond of Diaryland, but there is less fuss with Livejournal it seems and they got huge community groups. Let me know what you think. Nothing much will change if I move there and I would still check the diaries here, that I read. But I think I would keep it as a blog then and update even more.
These comments are taken from the site, where I used to keep my journal, before I moved it here.
You can add replies to the entry, or the comments below.
From Minka: I have both a D-land and a Live journal, they are both pretty good in different ways. Live journal is sort of hard to navigate at first, because I am so used to the freedom of Diaryland [you have to pay to insert your whole layout as HTML >:( ]. Live journal is more structured, and even non members can post on your entries if they want, plus you can insert an avatar to use, whereas you can't here. Wherever you choose, I'll be sure to keep reading!
From Truthseeker: First.. The Schiavo case.. I definitively agree that the insane antichrist Bush crowd used it as a political tool.. Thats for sure.. But if there was anything left of Terry i think starving her to death was less compassionate than simply giving her a overdose of something.. And the Pope.. I dont agree about him, I think our points, atleast on the surface differ a little there.. I liked the Pope.. He seemed like a genuinely good man to me .. Yes a man of formal religion, but still .. But this may be because i have become a little religious.. Or rather i believe in spiritual business.. Not because it is supposed to make me "good" or any "better than others".. But i have recently started to believe that what is human isnt all that there is.. But believe me... I am not a conventionally "religious" person.. Its just i have after having watched the seething evil of Bush and the deceptive demons of that crowd, have decided that i want no part of evil anymore, and that i maybe want to dedicate my life to fighting it.. Well.. About the Pope i have been following the Pope situation a few years now.. A few years back we started to watch the midnight mass from Rome at Christmas because it seemed a comforting traditional thing, even though i am in no way subscribing to the Catholic form of anything,and every year i expected the pope not to live till next years mass... But he did.. For about 4 more years than i had thought... And about Alzheimer, he didnt have that.. He was totally mentally healthy.. But he had parkinsons disease and was very frail .. I somehow can agree that he really should have had a vacation.. But i guess thats not how the Catholic church does things :-p "Dem om det" as we say in Norway.. "Thats their style" is my best english version of that. And about the pope wanting to "soldier on".. I think one of the reasons is because there have been talks about him being the last pope.. or maybe the second to last pope.. Due to some prophecy about the end of times... And i think the pope might have thought something like that too.. Atleast i think ive heard the Catholics believed it.. And about differing views: i am a person that has problems being in conflict with others.. I never want to be in conflict.. Ive gotten better lately , i mean to the point of being able to state a differing opinion. But i sometimes get anxious if i feel i am in conflict with someone .. I dont want anyone to hate me.. And its funny that you say you feel like a criminal when you go through a metal detector.. I have had the exact same feeling about stuff like this.. Like when i went to school in Oslo for a short while, i always was afraid that people thought i was a drug addict... Not that i looked like one really.. But.. Some feeling of guilt.. Always feeling you would be suspected if someone at school (elementary) had done something wrong, even though I were someone who really never did anything wrong. Anyway.. Keep writing.. Maybe ill see you online some day too ? Ive gotten myself a new webcam and headset, ultracheap from LIDL ! :-D 280 NOK for both.. Good quality as well.. But typically of Lidl theyre sold out now , they probably only got ridiculously few of them.. (They were probably only there to coax people into the shop ..) And i also feel like a criminal in many shops :-D like i always expect that I would be suspected of shoplifting even though its completely stupid.. And i never would.. It MIGHT relate to an event when i was 7 years or so.. I was outside a shop waiting for a buddy who was inside stealing a box of matches ! Of all things.. And i was so afraid.. I didnt want him to do it but i couldnt stop him.. For 1st to 3rd grade I thought they would come and arrest us at school..