People Are Such Cowards

I wrote an entry some time ago, where I express that I'm not a very open person, I don't like to hug and I'm not someone that easily talk about intimate things. I have thought about that entry, because it shows the negative part of myself. And it doesn't reflect the whole me and it can be misleading.

My real problem, is not the intimate things; it's group relation. I'm a very private and a very independent and depended person, in myself. I rarely feel relaxed, or at home, anyplace other than together, with my own little space. I know there are people who feels the same way and that can understand this and that there are also, those that don't.

All my life, I have been envious on my brother. Because he's a very outgoing person and I'm not. In public you will of course become a shadow, of your outgoing sibling, if you are the shy one. That's how it is. I have written about it before, so I'm not going to copy myself.

Because of the enviousness, I have found myself to want to be different than my brother. Because it's not correct, to wish you were like someone else than yourself. In the end, you will always just be you. And that's what you have to face. So I have wanted to turn away from my enviousness and often it became something untruthful. My introverted nature have often become a strictness, because I have thought about all those people who told me, when I grew up, that I should be more extroverted (like my brother?). I have ended up feeling mad about it and today, I cannot take an advise. I know myself better, than anybody else and the last thing I need, is someone's advise and the feeling linked with this is hateful and harsh. Being the "weak" spot in the family, growing up, I was given more advises, than anyone really needs. It's a typical sibling issue I guess and there's always someone to blame, if you are looking for someone to criticise.

None of these issues, has to do with my brother, or my family though. My problems was always outside my home. My brother and me were different, but we have always been friends. But the safe haven is something else, than the sometimes harsh reality outside. I realised or at least felt, that there were people there, that expected me to compete, with people like my brother.

And my shyness became a strange revenge, over these people. Everyone have a small, or large bitterness in life. It's a sour little cake you eat alone, to celebrate the most negative things in yourself. And when you've eaten it, you still feel hungry. And empty. And mad. And you think about how you treated people unfair. How you cheated them of your true self, how you cheated yourself...

Because I know, that I can be a lot like my brother. This is a hard thing for me to admit. It's something my mother, tells me on occasion; -"They don't really know you, so they judge you for your shyness. But I know you, and you are not that different than your brother." And it makes me angry, when she says that. Because I had decided, that I didn't want to be like him, or them, or anyone.

Naturally I will always just be me and that's fine now. My brother see, is more outgoing than most people. He is someone that fits well on a stage, he's easily a leader figure, someones rolemodel, everyone's friend. I have always wrinkled my nose at such people, because although those who are like brother, may get many friends, lots of admiration; they often don't bond with people. The friendship is cheap, fast, restless and over, before it got personal. They might have hundred of friends, that they barely know the names of. The thick admiration they get, are usually always shallow, without depth; because average people hardly ever admire someone, that truly deserves to be admired. Admiration are more based on egotistic, useless dreams they have, something, someone they want to be, rather than a boldness in themselves, to actually dare, to let someones life touch them.

People are such cowards.

And if you read this correctly, you should understand, that this is not so much a criticism towards people like my brother, as it is towards those with enough group mentality, to make them always look up to the leaders.

I will make an example and let you see the real me;

I went to a folk high school once. In such a school you have a cafeteria, where everyone sit around tables and eat. It's a typical place where you pick your group, the ones you fit with, the ones you feel at home with. You have the table with the nerdy types of people, you have the table with the "cool rebellious" types, you have the table with fashionable correct and decent type of folks, you have the religious nuts table and you have the immigrants table. None of these names describes, the different groups correctly, because for example; if the cool ones, were really as rebellious as their prodrugs, grassroot politics, wild music and fancy outfit expressed, they would have maybe decided, to sit with the immigrants one day. They never did anything, even slightly rebellious, nothing that similar types such as themselves, hadn't done before them. They never changed anything in the environment.

It was the same situation, when I went to art school; most people there, dressed the way I did and they were called goths. The goths are supposed to be a group of people, that are more or less outsiders. Creative. Newthinkers. Braver. But it's far from the truth; goth is a popularity culture, similar to gay culture; it has nothing to do with being an outsider, or different. It's a artsy-craftsy, phony, imitated and false image of what people really are. A popularity culture are not the thing, that will make people fit in with society. There might be pain, frustration and ignorance in the life, of someone who feels like an outsider; you can never make this into a cool style, or a fun thing to be. The popularity cultures abuse, trough it's subcultures expression, never ever, I doubt; tells a true story, about people who are outsiders.

Being a watcher, I noticed that most of the goths and the cool kids, were popular outgoing and carefree people, by appearance at least. And they always knew who to sit with... There were those, that never, even at the end of the year, had found their spot in the school cafeteria.

And I would have liked to ask, cause it always puzzled me; did any of the for example, popular goths, with their angsty subculture, notice these people?

They are such cowards.

Being the shy one on the side, someone that was hardly ever noticed. Someone that never functioned well in group relation. Someone that hid behind the kindergarten, to escape the growd of the playground. Someone that stuttured at a stage, in front of the school crowd. Someone that was never picked, for a school paper interview. Someone that not only embarrased itself, but also everyone else, if it had to speak;

I could easily sit anywhere, with anyone and I did. There was always a seat for me. By the end of the year, there wasn't a table I hadn't sat at. I had a spot with the nerds, a spot with the cool ones and I even got along with the religious nuts too. Also at one point, I had connections, communications, that if noticed, would have surprised the leader types.

This was me, the shy one and the outgoing one. I have never felt at home with any group, so to me it never mattered, where I sat. And in intimate situations, I have felt more outgoing than most people.

Because it always puzzled me, peoples group mentality. It's hard at times, to be someone that doesn't function so well, in group activities, you wish that it wasn't like that. You feel that you miss out, on things you wouldn't have to miss out on, if you hadn't been this way. But watching the carefree and outgoing, it's always puzzled me and I have thought; if I was like them, if I could do what they do, I wouldn't be the way they are. -I wouldn't just sit with my crowd, my group, my friends; because people aren't that different. I would want to know, when I actually had the opportunity, with my extroverted nature, to get to know different types of people. I would choose to sit by the immigrants table once, give it a try, because maybe some of them, would appreciate it (?). If the outgoing, are so outgoing as they appear to be, why don't they feel more warm about communication? What do they have to fear? Why all this group mentality? Isn't it the outgoing and the leader types, that are here to solve it? Deal with it and take a stand?

-Because even though you felt you got to know, the extroverted ones, in the school cafeteria. Because even if they didn't speak to you, they spoke so loud and they spoke to everyone, as being on a stage; and you would smile politely of their jokes, sit and listen to their stories, nod and feel that you knew these people, you liked them. They filled the room and without them, we would have been alone... and lost... And there was a genuine wish in you, to get to know this person, these people, who were so bold and friendly with everyone. A genuine interest... but you never got to know them...

And you noticed, trough your genuine interest, trough your lonely sadness, in the evening at your room alone, blaming yourself there, for your shyness and why you never dared, to go sit with the immigrants. You noticed, that nobody there, really knew the outgoing ones, those leader types that everyone looked towards. And you noticed that they rarely, added anything good, to the painful group mentality, or inspired those, that wished for communication and friendship.

People are such cowards.

...Once, when I lay in hospital for a long time and shared room with many others. I hated it of course, because I need some privacy in the evening. I talk to myself you know (I really do) and I find it hard, to do some serious thinking, if I cant be alone. I'm really a person who loves my own lonely company. So I thought the hospital would be an awful long tedious time, of no privacy and no space, where I could chat with myself.

There was the toilets though. Yes. And I can spend hours in the toilet, without doing anything. But in this case, it would just seem strange. One thing is to be strange, the other thing is that other people knows it. I'd like to try not to inform people, of this matter too much.

But as time went on, it was not as tedious, as I had thought it would be. So when I had left the hospital and came back for a short visit, there were so many people who came and told me they had missed me. One person even said the enviroment in the hospital, was not the same when I wasn't there anymore. It was a strange thing for me to hear and it was very special. Because it's something I would normally, hear people say about my brother. For once, it was nice to notice, that I had an ability in me, to affect people. Than somebody other than my family, would remember me.

And it made me think about the time I spent there. I found myself to like chatting with the room cleaners and you know, few people would even get themselves to say hi to them. I found myself to room visit the quiet immigrant girl, who couldn't speak Norwegian properly. And I did it out of my own idea, this was me. And I found myself to be more outgoing, than most people.

And I found myself, to be quite passionate about people. Just people in general. And I also noticed that they liked me, for who I am. And I didn't even strave to be this way. It came natural.

...Everyone finds their spot in the crowds, some seem to enjoy it, other's try to escape it. Shy people can be difficult to get to know, but those who are extroverted have their own shyness too. Everyone fill their spot and everyone are linked. Sometimes you blame yourself, for something that you were never able to fix alone. The group mentality is something that everyone is a part of; you sparkle in it, or you strave to find your place in it. Behind this, people are not so different at all.

And it's true; peoples negativity, are inspired by our own negativity. Losing the old hateful feelings, caused by unfairness and ignorance trough time; is a hard struggle. With age you grow prideful and stubborn and from too much worry, you often fail in letting your good points shine trough.

People are such cowards.