The Wish To Start Over

I've had the opportunity to feel bitter, at an early stage in life, because I've been sick from early childhood. Many people will say that bitterness, is a form of selfishness; a blindness to the world. Because you only manage to see yourself trough a pain and thinking that your unhappiness is a lonely feeling, that it's singular.

It's very unhealthy to feel bitter as a young age, I see this now. You start building walls, you lose faith, you grow a hate, an envy and a dark cancer within you; and as you grow older, you forgot about doing this as a kid. I was never an open child, more so, I've never been an open adult.

I was a very happy kid, in many ways and I'm not especially such a depressed adult. I have even managed a good deal of belief, in myself and other's, even trough times, when nobody found a reason. And I have seen a potential in me and I have admired myself, from outside myself, looking at someone else. -Because I have the ability, even in my loner persona, to put myself easily, into other peoples situation. And I have seen that this is an openness, a welcome, an embrace; that can mean more than being extroverted.

My one problem in life brews down to; What is my purpose in life? What is other peoples purpose in life? I want to know; why are some born luckier than others? The question bother's me immensely.

I want to have the things that people are taking for granted, I just want it, I want it for myself, I feel I need it. because if I had it, I wouldn't take it for granted... Or would I take it for granted?, do I take it for granted?

I fear the future, it tears me a part, the thought of it. I want to go back, start over, be a kid again. I miss the me, who had an innocent naivety towards life. The one before bitterness, envy and anger. It haunts me now, to think of the fact, that I let my negative self, bury my good...

Growing up I felt loved, I would want to return it, by trying to find a happiness in the adult life. A part of me still hope.