Drugs are a really bad thing. Totally pointless, if it's not used for medical reasons. I really feel this way. I've had a lot of drugs in my body, at the hospital and because of that I guess I've always hated pills and all kinds of liquid shots. I hate the feeling you get after taken a sleeping pill, I've only taken sleeping pills in a hospital and on regular basis I wouldn't even take a pill of any kind if I have a headache, except for those I have to take, that have been prescribed to me by a doctor...
A friend of a friend of mine died of an overdose yesterday. I didn't really know him, but it was a sad and meaningless thing. I mean when your young and healthy, there are so many good things in life, so many natural joys if you try to look beyond the negativeness in the world.
I really felt that way one time, a few years ago, when I recovered after a pneumonia. I was pretty sick,
I mean I was close to dying. I actually wished that I would die when I had the worst times breathing, I had to think about every single breath I took. Weirdly enough I didn't think it was sad, when I lay there in the hospital, I didn't think about the things I would never experience if I died. I felt relaxed and I didn't understand anyone else's grief. I was high on morphine most of the time
and when I wasn't, I felt just really tired but yet awake. I thought however, about all the things that had been and I felt that if I'd ever really survive I wouldn't want anything to be different, but I would want to change my feeling in reference to everything. I would want to enjoy the small things in life on greater scale. I'd never thought like that before, it was the best feeling I had ever had. I wanted to tell people, in case I never survived; that these things didn't really matter, everything was good, I didn't want people to worry about me, I felt good about everything that had been.
In that moment I felt that this was meant to happen, my life was going to end this way and it wasn't a bad feeling. I had always been such a pet to my family, I was the sickly one that wouldn't ever do anything successful and I had always been slightly jealous on my brother for his easy carefree spirit and for always managing life so easily. Maybe I had only been trouble for everyone?, my whole life, I used to think that way... But when I lay in the hospital and felt the care that so many people had for me, I thought that I had been stupid. There were actually people that did admire me and I never knew that. There were people that looked up to me and didn't just see me as funny, cute or someone to feel sorry for; but someone that had made a point in life, someone that had managed to touch other people... I had all these feelings I had never had before and I couldn't tell anyone, because I had a tube in my throat and I couldn't speak.
It was a weird time for me, so many things were going on around me. My parents had a priest to come and pray for me and people I hadn't seen on years came and saw me. I didn't feel any of the things they felt, I was miles away, in my own void. I just saw their sadness and felt sorry for them, like they felt sorry for me...
I lay awake night and day (after I woke up from the coma, I couldn't sleep), in the hospital bed. Time was still for me. When I did have the tube removed and I recovered, it was a surprise, I couldn't believe it. It was like I had been born again. Everything was so new and good, I had a small brain damage because of not getting enough oxygen into my head for a long period. I forgot things, didn't remember little details here and there. These small after effects went away after a few weeks. I was lucky, there were a big chance that I would never recover if I had gotten a chronic brain damage, I would possibly never woken up from the coma had it been slightly worse.
Everyone treated me so nice when I was released from the hospital, did and said things they'd never done or said before. But I never saw most of the people again, of those that visited me when I was really sick. It didn't hurt me, It wasn't my feeling they came around with when I was sick. I didn't understand their grief or interest in me, so when they never showed up again, I didn't feel anything about it... I had changed a lot, I knew in myself that things would never be the same. And when I felt the air in my face again it was like a drug in itself and I had never enjoyed being so sober and carefree my whole life. I wanted the feeling to last, I wanted to keep it and never let it go away. I wanted to share it with everyone, but I knew they wouldn't understand, this was my feeling and it had changed me as a person. I felt older and younger at the same time. It was like I tasted the food I liked for the first time, I never knew it could taste that nice or that small things in general could feel that great...
I'm such a complicated person, I worry about everything, I feel the sad things I read about in the newspaper is my fault, it affects me so much, sometimes I cant do anything for myself because I'm so worried about other people. I don't think they know, I'm such a introvert, I don't tell anyone about my feelings, so many times I wish they knew how I felt... I'm someone that wants people to take advantage of me, just so I can feel needed, because I never wanted to be a trouble for anyone. There's so many things I would like to do, so many good things. I'm like the lost superhero, that wanted to change the world,but don't know what to do...Isn't it sentimental? Stupid? -But this is how I feel, this is truly me, my deepest hidden me. Because it was the feeling I had when I thought I was going to die. I really found myself there, in those moments... a better me... a more positive side of myself; that managed to see the good things behind the things I always worried about...
I guess people see me as this really sober individual. I wanted to keep that little innocent feeling I had when I smoked cigarettes with a friend for the first times, many years ago. It was interesting, it was our secret, we didn't want to grow up, get serious or die... Eventually I found out that smoking was such a painful thing, if you are not used to it. I never smoke any more. It got serious for a lot of other people and I didn't want to get to the point where I had to say; -"I really hate this,I want to quit" That's why I never got into smoking... My point is; It's those innocent feelings that are good, you don't want to lose the innocent naivety of enjoying the small things in life. If I cant have them any more, I always want to keep them in my memory as a good feeling to ponder on,it's better that way. They can make you smile no matter how things are like...
And that is what I think about drugs, it's a guilty and unoriginal way to say goodbye. There are so many things beyond these things in life that are so much better...
