I used to exchange letters with the person that wrote this (the site is not run by him, it's just an extract from his book), he were my penpal for over five years or so.His name is Varg. He is a musician and someone who became very popular in the media (here in Scandinavia) some years ago. He used to be a part of the Black Metal scene here in Norway, back in those days. Or so they say. The Black Metal scene is what some people would call an underground community(?). A subculture. Usually an environment of young people who dont like the mainstream popularity culture. Other people would know more about this than me, as I'm just an outsider when it comes to this.
About this old penpal of mine. I saw Varg in the newspapers when I was around sixteen. There had been a few church burnings and a homicide. He was convicted for these things. A lot of scary looking people from the Black Metal/Gothic type of subculture scene (or whatever), crawled out of their tombstones and their parents basements, to do even more scary interviews to the gluttonish newspapers. Frighting stories reached the surface. Silly immature things, to those than could look beyond the newspaper stories. Old people seemed to fear the young more than ever (nothing new about that of course). I remembered reading something about the whole world being the planet of Satanists, after year two thousand in Nostradamus. I found these things ridiculously amusing. People want something terrible to read about in the news. It makes life less grey, less simple. Personally I always read the bad parts and linger on it like a devil. The end of the world makes us all seem small and for some people the idea of the end can be something warm and fruitful, in all the confusion... but I guess... people and happenings doesn't really change all that much, they just change the outfit, right?
And then you have those people that just ride the wave of fashion, no matter what it consists of. At least that's what it seems. The supposedly gloomy subculture of Scandinavia was suddenly dragged out of it's own subunderground and put on the front cover. Was it more interesting than peoples past rebellious deeds? -Probably not. It was used as a reason, an excuse and a theater, by those in support of it and those in anger towards it. Later on some people claimed it was the media who created this subculture. There was never a Black Metal scene in Norway. No matter what, those things are not interesting to me. I'm more interested in what lies underneath.
The only newspaper article that really caught my attention had a heading line that said: "What made Christian become Varg?". Christian was Varg's name before he changed it into the more suitable name for his character. Christian means what it says, while Varg is apparently an old Scandinavian name that means wolf. It included a picture of a small innocent looking boy, next to a picture of a spooky young man. I found the article interesting but slightly disappointing; it didn't really say much about the human in the wolf. Instead I wrote to him. I wanted to know a few things the newspapers never told me.
In those days Varg; the posterboy that never really wanted to be a posterboy became an icon for the bad and the good. He could be the thing you despised or admired on the surface. I spent many many hours trying to figure out who he was under it all. I read every little thing that was written about him. I ordered old newspapers, if I found out that it possibly included something about him. Maybe I was obsessed. Maybe it had to do with my perverted interest for the obscure and extreme. Maybe it had to with my feelings for the bad boys in literature and movies. Maybe it cluttered my vision.
In my idea; being bad is good, but not too bad. My interest for the obscure has to do with my passion for humanity, my belief; that there are no devils, no evil and the cruel things that happen, has a reason beyond the immature words that we use to explain the things we cannot swallow.
He did write me back. He smuggled our letters in and out of jail, trough his mother and his record company. Trough them I found out that Varg was far from being a New Age Satanist, as many news sources had expressed that he represented. I was happy to hear that, as I had no interest in the Satanic belief. I hoped we could communicate without having a religious barrier. But it was not to be. He was very serious about his beliefs, very conservative, very unromantic in his political ideas. He would call himself a Pagan. A Pagan with inspiration from Hitler's book "My Fight" with an admiration for the cold soldiers of Waffen SS, mixed with a childish boyish love for weapons, homemade bombs, war and manly revenge. The type of guy who would say something like; "If someone rapes the neighbours daughter I will personally go kill the bastard" or "So he killed the guy, why do people say it's such a bad thing? I mean he was gay!".
As the sensitive romantic girl that I am, as stupid as it may seem; I talked to him about human relations, individuality and empathy (because that was a few of the things I was into at the moment and still are I suppose), while he always seemed to shift over to more strict conservatism. We would battle with words.
In a book that featured an interview with his mother, she say; "Varg is a very nice boy when he gets what he wants". I think his mother meant well with the comment, but it has a negative stroke, that anyone that isn't the mother, would maybe find hard to accept.
I never agreed with his beliefs, but the media here in Norway made this guy into a interesting discussion theme, they could use to burst the sale of their newspapers. I guess I became attracted to this bad boy image and found his music to be something new and wonderful. After writing with him for awhile, I found it hard to believe that we would have anything in common. A Nazi with a strict writing style and a liberal girl with a taste for the colorful gentle world of "The Hundred Acre Wood" childrens story. But at times, he did write me things that gave me a peek behind the surface and now that I think about him, I dont regret the letter writing...
Because of our differences it was difficult to communicate with him. He wrote like a book and it could make me forget it was a letter, to me. I often felt forced to read certain literature in order to be able to sustain our discussion. He often quoted and expressed himself like a teacher would do and if I hadn't read my homework, it would damage the conversation. If I ever mentioned something he didn't find interesting or couldn't explain to fit into his beliefs, he avoided it or wrote around it without hitting the spot. He often claimed I was bright, bright and smart, but uneducated (in the true faith), manipulated to believe in the things he called Jewish spew (by this he meant that everything modern is run by jews).
I liked to write with him, I liked the challenge and he seemed to enjoy it as well. I guess I also thought he had something to learn from me and he probably thought the same about me. He claimed that I was different. Of course everyone of the opposite gender tend to say that, the conservative Nazi guy is no different maybe. But, because of the fact that he was different to me, a challenge to me, I liked that he liked me, in a special way. The fact that he came on polite and well-mannered in the letters, made me think of it as something posetive. Maybe he would change?, maybe because of me? Maybe he thought the same of me. Maybe I would change, end up agreeing with him.
I dont think it's right to be with people because you wish to change them, shape them. Somehow it's not fair. Somehow it's ignorant. I'd like to think that for example a Nazi could inspire me, to grow, without having to change and become the negative things I might see in him. I'd like to think that I have the abillity to inspire people, without changing them. Politics is nothing without the human communication. If we dont dare to cross the bridges, then what's the point in having bridges then? And even more importantly; small deeds can have a big impact in small ways.
In person I've always been shy and soft spoken, but with written words I feel powerful. I have a strong feeling that tells me Varg would think of me as a joke, if he met me. A small shy girl with bold words... maybe it's not a weakness though... I like to think so...
I still like some of his music. The Filosofeum album is a masterpiece of emotion and deep atmosphere. It symbolize in me, the openness I found to look beyond the MTV pop music. I searched for music after I heard this album, searched, instead of letting the music come to me trough my lazy click on the remote control.
I dont think Varg would find pleasure in knowing, that he made me more liberal when it comes to music.
I stopped writing with him a few years ago. We were good penpal friends trough the letters, but we never talked about his criminal case or extremely personal matters. We wrote about our different political opinions, religion, humanity and dreams. Sometimes these things can be more personal than facts about your own life.
I dont know, maybe I unconsciously avoided mentioning his crimes. If I was attracted to his bad boy image, I was not attracted to whatever crimes he had done. I always felt a void within me when I read his violent words or heard his interviews. We were two people very different from eatch other. I would not like to live in his world, he would not want to live in mine.
I think I learned more about myself, than I learned about this person from the letters we shared. I dont think of it now as a bad thing. Maybe I really wrote to him because I wanted to know a person that wore like me? A person that felt different, missunderstood, too complicated for this world. Instead, maybe I found myself.
Not too long ago I read an interview by Varg again. He seemed different. The most famous criminal in my country's modern history. Even though his case is not on the front cover anymore, he is obviously still something he maybe wish to escape from(?) Apparently he claimed he was lonely in his jail cell, he didn't like his fans and he never thought much of the Black Metal subculture that blossomed by his popularity. The Burzum site used to be a tribute site to the music Varg created, it was not made or run by him and most of the site is now removed because he wished it I believe. All things must come to an end.
Different links in reference:
Satanist (?) Uses the Black Speech
The last search I will ever do on Varg
Swedish parody song dedicated to Varg
Norwegian interview in a mens magazine