I grew up in this very open minded home, so I had nothing to rebel against with my parents. It was the trill that caught me. I used to be very shy and I guess I wanted to find a way to express myself. So I skipped school. Read all about religions and obscure babble. I exchanged letters with a famous Satanist here in Norway (found out later that he was really a National Socialist -a nicer name for a Nazi). I read about everything from Christianity, Satanism, Wicca and Buddhism. Things were cool, but I lost interest very fast. Somehow it all made me sad and disappointed. I couldn't agree with anything. I couldn't fit in. Now I feel everything were the opposite of what I was looking for... All this hate and all this love in religion, where is it coming from? Where is the spirituality? Buddhism and New Age were colorful and nice, anti violent and in most ways non-politicial. Christianity and Satanism were freakish beliefs in my opinion. I'm sorry to say that, I do respect people that do agree with these beliefs anyway... It was just that I felt they had a cage waiting for me, behind all the nice words and promises...
I read this article about Satanism many years ago. It was an interview with an American forty year old woman, that were a member of the Satanic Church in the Us. It was shocking in my opinion. She claimed to have killed people in the name of Satan (which is according to the Lavey tradition not a real being, but a part of the human nature). She was a double moralist that felt that all American children who became killers, should be executed in public, for peoples enjoyment. Even though she had claimed to have killed and never been under trial for it. She also meant that all sick people should be killed, even if they didn't spread a virus. We should have human clones, that could be used as slaves to superior people. All of this because the strongest is the best fit to live and therefor deserve most of the cake...
I'm thinking; are really all strong people right? who says? the strong? I mean how easy for the once who run the circus with the whip, to say these things. Doesn't all people have their great weaknesses? It's just that some hide them behind titles and positions. Cant we learn something from all weak things in others? Isn't the fear of weaknesses, the first sign of a weakness in ourselfs?... Isn't it Fascistic to believe differently?
I thought I had to go study the Satanic Bible after reading this article, to see if this were what it was about... I only read parts of it however, as I came to the conclusion that it was as boring as it's black cover. I thought; how typical, another egoistic belief. Lavey was an American and he didn't like Christianity. Someone had obviously hit him very hard with a Bible when he was growing up. I was just thinking; why all this hate? It must be personal. I mean you can always disagree with religion, most religions, and feel that children should not be put under it's rules, because it's an adult creation. Most of all, I would say that religion have created more suffering, that greatness for the masses. However this is what I can agree with.
When I did read the Satanic Bible, I felt stupid about even wanting to read it. I mean why would anyone that disagree with religious rules, go create another belief with new rules and a new church? Nothing seemed to be different. I feel the book was riding on the same wave of egoism and stupidity that Christianity often do. All the things I didn't like about the Bible, were all the things I didn't like about the Satanic Bible. My point is that I believe people become stupid, when they follow the 10 Commandments and don't take any effort in experience the deeper meaning behind these things. The Satanic Bible also have it's own Commandments. There are people, such as myself, that didn't grow up with the strict 10 Commandments and still found a point behind anti violence and why we shouldn't steal. You don't need to read these things in a book, if you actually have been raised by intellectual, caring people. It's sad that anyone at all need to read these things. It's almost like the sheep's in George Orwells book The Animal Farm. They look at the written rules that the pigs created, it says; "All animals are equal". -They follow these rules blindly and they don't really understand the difference when one day they read; "All animals are equal, but some are more equal than others". -The pigs are smarter of course and know how to write and they take advantage of this and use it for their own benefits. The sheep's never even learn how to put themselves, into their own experiences to learn from life's lessons. This is the sad fact and it says a lot more about people, than it says about rules.
Whenever I talk to some really extreme Christians, I always ask myself afterwards what is the limit to extremeness? I feel so normal. What is wrong with sex if you are with someone you love? You cant discuss these things with a lot of Christians, because they have their own kind of extremeness. You cant discuss the negativity in pornography, with a lot of "Anti Christians", because they have their own kind of extremeness. I always assume that people on both sides act in these manners, because they want to be the opposite of what they hate. They have felt restricted in certain situations and hated it, but yet they do want to be restrained in some way, so that they can feel that they belong. They want it because they possibly grew up that way, grew up with something making them feel caged and because they have gotten used to the lifestyle of not being free; they just move into another cage. Tell a sadomasochist that sadism is violence and they will tell you it isn't. It's all just a game. They do it because they crave the freedom to be able to do it. They want someone to restrain them with their rules of freedom.
I think that a lot of times it's something to do with politics, how we choose to live together in the society, a lot of times it's not really personal. Because I assume a Goth can go home when the day is over and be a geek. This is roleplay and I hate it. I hate it because I hate the roleplay of all human beings. Why do people want to play roleplay?, isn't it difficult enough in this world to be yourself?, why go try be someone else? To me sometimes it seems they want to be everything they are not. I don't hate clothes, this has nothing to with clothes. I'm not against Sadomasochism, as it's often a normal part of our sexuality. Clothes and sexualities is in my opinion a rather creative thing. If people in themselves would be as creative as their clothes and sexuality, then subcultures, alternatives and religious groups would not be needed in the political way.
I threw away the Satanic Bible pretty quickly, just as I did with the Bible. I haven't liked most of the Christians, "Anti Christians" and Goths or whatever I've met. Maybe some would say that I judged these books to fast, maybe I judge certain people to fast... Sometimes I find that I'm wrong and I'm left behind feeling like a hardcore conservative. I feel bad about these things, in myself alone I really do... but you know, often a lot of books and traditions separate people that maybe aren't that different. There are people that could have found equal things in each other, but never get the chance, because all this egoism that haunts us, only leaves us when we are grey and old and share rooms at the old peoples houses... I give a shit about religion today, it's only crap and politics. I want to know people instead, I want to know them intimately and be able to show some language errors and still be understood...
If it's something I don't like; it's egoism. An egoistic policy is not a very good thing for the people. A lot of religions seem to mostly be about this. When I read the Bible I felt it was all about sex, violence, materialism and rules. When I read the Satanic Bible I felt that too was all about sex, violence, materialism and rules. So what if I'm wrong? This is my impression of religion in general. I was looking for a way to remove myself from the grey adult world, I wanted to find a spiritual meaning, a deeper point in life; love, god, a content feeling, an escape, call it what you wish. I didn't want someone to tell me what kind of sexual life I should have, what kind of clothes I should wear, or how I should love, or hate people. I want to figure these things out from experience and personal feelings. I mean everyone feels differently about these things and that is fine.
I wanted something personal, something different and I found all these cool alternative religions, that existed all in the name of the old traditions. Why try to fix something that isn't destroyed? What is the point with building new churches when the old ones, never seemed to change peoples way of thinking as a mass. The underlying fact is that we don't really need these things. People read books to find themselves in someone else, to understand the depths of mankind. We want to socialize and be happy. We are all the same, Christians, Satanists, Goths and Idealists of whatever kind. It's the rules that separates us. The fear that we feel when we lose ourselves in a big crowd of people. Why am I here? No one recognize me, I'm alone and I don't belong... Finding our way into a warm loving group of people, makes the world smaller, we feel bigger and can embrace ourselfs more easily. I think that's why people feel they need to make religion into a policy.
And we are scared of dying, we think the important thing, is to find a cure for everything, so that we can stay alive forever. The spirituality in us loses it's tracks and we leave it behind. No matter, when you do lose the illusions of your roleplay, you realize these things; you are not really important to the masses, to the groups, they will find a new you tommorrow... For the society to grow, we must first lose our egoism. For spirituality to have a point, we must first lose the material goals that we see in them. Because honest religion isn't about churches, rituals, symbols or what you wear. It's about knowing when to sacrifice all these things and still feel rich... I think so and I've met people that I would call honest believers, some of them have called themselves Christians, others Pagans or something else, but they all have something in common and that is knowing how to separate religion from politics. Knowing how to respect peoples personal experience, the different stages that we're all on. It's our own personal play and we need to go trough our own life, to find our meaning in everything. Not any book or any person, can tell us what is right for somebody else...
I watch you from behind
you that; Soulplay in the morning
You are the Religious projection
inside your narrow void you hide your own rejection
You said; -"You exclude yourself too much
There is no love in the things you hide away"...
Now I feel grey and you made me conservative
Somehow I'm glad I don't know who you are
I saw you yesterday in someone else
and I'll see you tomorrow
in another place
but to know you
I have to be in your game
love in your ways
I always felt alone
being there...
so why did I ever try
to get to know you?...
I watch you from behind
you that; Roleplay in the evening
You are the Subculture projection
inside your narrow void you hide your own rejection
You said; -"nothing exists beyond your own expressions
what you don't breathe, you don't live"...
Now I feel grey and you made me conservative
Somehow I'm glad I don't know who you are
I saw you yesterday in someone else
and I'll see you tomorrow
in another place
but to know you
I have to be in your game
hate in your ways
I always felt alone
being there...
so why did I ever try
to get to know you?...