So Christmas is here again. Time flies fast. My plan was to post up this essay I wrote a few years ago, in time for Christmas. That was my plan last year as well. I wanted to because it's different than my diary writing here and because it would fit into the feeling of the cold season. I will try to translate it into english and write it down to my computer, as soon as I can get myself to do it.This year, I will pretty much do the things I did last Christmas. I will eat, look at TV and enjoy the pretty sight of wonderful glittery untouched snow. The darkness of these dark days before it gets lighter, there is a special beauty to it.
And not long ago, I found the BBC Food TV channel on my TV. I have wanted that channel for a long time. Of course, the Scifi Channel would be better, but that would almost be too good. I suspect they will remove the food channel when the holidays are over. I dont think it belongs to the TV channel package we pay for.
The other day I went to the dentist. I'm not a person that fears the dentist, but I find it boring to go there. I hate waiting rooms. I have regular appointments with them every year. Last year I forgot it and didn't show up. So now it's been like one and a half year since I last did a fix on my teeth. And hell knows my teeth need regular yearly fixes. I guess it's the candy, because I'm very good with the toothbrush. Another dentist had to look at my teeth this time, as they had a lot to do before Christmas. She drove the dentist chair so far back that I feelt I was either going to fall out on my head, or swallow my tongue. There I lay and thought about all the time it would take, to mend the painful cavities I had gotten. Should I ask her to get the chair just a little bit higher?, as it was uncomfortable to lie like that. Looking at her from down below made me forget about if I should tell her or not, instead it made me wonder why most female dentists looks like lesbians. Cause most of them do. Nothing wrong with that though, but I had to let it circle around in my head for awhile. My usual dentist have even got a rumour about her, that says she is a lesbian. Never had a man in her life they say. Her father is a Church minister. As I pondered about this, I came to think about the dentist that only brush and cleans the teeth. She doesn't look like a lesbian. Of course, she's got a different position. She always talks to me like I'm a child. I guess she's been sinking her morality too deep into her wish to be a kind dentist. My regular dentist (the "lesbian" one)shows very little compassion. I remember that from when I was a child.
Enough about that. The dentist had no time to fix my cavities the other day. I was disappointed and relieved at the same time. Although my teeth only hurts when I eat candy, I wanted to have them fixed before Christmas. You know.
I had promised myself to have finished guestbook, comments and notes replies before Christmas. I promise myself a lot of things, but I'm slightly lazy and one thing doesn't always lead to another. I have been good when it comes to replies lately though, but there are still a lot of messages that needs to be answered. It will all happen, in time.
I have sent out a gift, to the person that was picked for me trough the Secret Santa project. I have given postcards. And I have bought a few small presents. Presents are not as important as postcards to me. I note myself those I know (offline), that dont give me cards. I make a note of it in my heart and think bad things of them. Particularly if it's a girl. If it's a guy, I will very easily let it go almost unnoticed in myself. I know that it's unfair. But it's not something I plan to feel. If a guy doesn't give a card, I just think it's because he doesn't like to write cards. Besides, he's a guy. If a girl tells me she's sorry about not finding time to do the card. I'll tell her it doesn't matter. It's no big deal. And a part of my do mean it. Another part of me tells me she's not very caring. And yet another part of me feel stupid about being so judgemental. If a girl have given me a card on at least a few occasions and is generally a caring person, I will let it brush off. A girl that never give cards or call, because she doesn't find the time; is bad. Bad girl. -But I would never tell her, ever. I smile and tell them it doesn't matter.
I once knew a lesbian girl. I used to give her cards and letters. As I often have done with other girl friends. She never gave me a card. One time she gave a letter, a wrinkled paper written with a pencil, instead of a pen. It was a text she liked, some lesbian stuff. I didn't mind the sexual letter, even though I'm not a lesbian. I always thought she never gave me cards, because she was a lesbian. Her behaviour was like a guy's way of dealing with things. The type of guy that always resorts to sexual gibberish, when you try to have a serious conversation.
Some people from the male race is good with letters though. And I hate to judge in myself, by their gender. It's just not right.
Yesterday, when I lay in bed, before I fell asleep, I heard the little mices in the walls again. I have heard them before, scratching and making small beeps. They obviously have babies now. A few years ago they tore down an old factory across the street. A lot of rats and mices started to invade the neighborhood then. Our neighbor next door apparently saw a giant rat run across the street, from the torn down factory and into our garden. After this, my dad have been out to kill them. He have already got a few. But I will never tell my dad about hearing them. Not just because it's Christmas.
Every year, when we eat pork on Christmas eve. I recall when I was little and was a witness when they slaughtered a pig, on a farm I was visiting. Think about having lived your whole life in a barn. Never been able to run much with the little legs, in open air. I know that not all pigs or barn animals live under bad conditions, but it's just something that comes to mind. I can never forget how it screamed...
I feel extra sorry for the pigs around Christmas. Jesus is born and the pig lies dead on the nice decorated Christmas table. Of course, people eat pigs all around the year, but I pity them more around the holidays... Maybe it's just because we are plain as human beings. We crave to feel sorry for others in a romantic and fairytale alike way. Like the way we feel about poor around Christmas.
I remember I saw this interview on TV, with this strict looking tie wearing Christian. An old man. Wise looking with quotes from the Bible. -"Animals doesn't have a soul. They dont go to heaven" he claimed.
I wish everyone a Happy Christmas!