I'm an old fan of all things horror. Hollywood horror that is. I was never the girl that screamed and hid my face, because of scary movie scenes. It was not real, it was innocent fun and the chilling parts amused me, unless it was too much violence. I liked (and still like) things like Killer Clowns, because it's dark humoured, very imaginary and besides clowns scare me. I would giggle at the bad parts and feel happy if a friend got scared. I would nurture their fear if could. Drive it on. Sometimes I got afraid as I pretended not to be, and in rare moments of my adulthood I still get a little scared from some movies. But it's rare now. And it only happens when I go to the bathroom at night or lie in bed. I have to look myself over the shoulder. A little bit. Because the one that likes to scare and put the fear in others, are usually the one who fear the most.
So I'm a hard nut to crack in public? A psychology test I took when I was younger, said that I was mentally quite strong. And I have always liked to think so. Stubborn and strong-willed as I am. When I was a teenager they showed this documentary, about the American death penalty. My mother would refuse to see it, because they showed the the electric chair moment. And we are all against it. Tough as I felt in myself to be, I watched it. And for one time in my life, I was stunned, I was shocked, I was terrified. And my rude little creative mouth had no words. I felt I would have passed out, or gone insane, had I seen this in reality and not on TV. It shook me and I realised that I was not such a hard nut to crack... Like I said, maybe I always knew this, even when it came to the horror movies. Because to be mentally strong, have nothing to do with losing empathy.
And I know. If I was put under pressure. Interrogation and torture. Like; making me drink half warm milk every day and not let me have my soda water and candy. I would admit everything I wasn't a part of at all. I would cry and beg for my sweets and I would pity myself beyond respectable limits. I would agree, if they would let me off the hook. I would turn against myself and everyone else, if I could get away. I would be pathetic. I'm the one they would eventually get very bored of and finish, before the others.
In my naive childish world of American horror movies, I never imagined that really cruel things, actually happen in real life. Sure, I read about it, but those people were either very sick or damaged. The things I saw in the death penalty documentary, was much worse, than any bloody movie flick I had ever seen. Because it was not a few sick people, it was humanity. And it scared me...
Out of curiosity, I saw the clip where the American guy is beheaded by militants. I came over the uncensored version of it, on a news source I often read (I will not post the link to the video). I try to seek out serious news papers, that don't censor the information. My first thought was; I'm not going to look at this. Because my stomach tells me; I shouldn't. And as I have learned, I can always trust my stomach feeling. It tells me what is right and wrong, good or bad. Why do I need to look? Why am I always so curious? I love my little wonderful American horror movie world. Because it suits me well. Why do I need reality? As much as I want to change it, I cant do it. It will just break my heart...
What I saw on the video, got stuck in my head. I had to look away. It puzzles me; how can you hurt or kill someone and touching the person's skin while you are doing it? Feel the skin on your hand and then trample it? Even if it was my worst enemy, I wouldn't be able to look a person in the eye, talk to it, see it breathe and then kill it. I would have to live with my senses closed then, to be able to do such things. For those reasons, I wouldn't be fit for hunting, I wouldn't be fit for defence. I wouldn't fit for most of those things our humanity and governments approve of.
But I'm happy I don't fit for it.
Should I say something about the torture done by American soldiers. No. I'm not going to write about it. Because I wrote about it before the Iraq war even started. And most importantly; There are old and new pictures that makes the message of a Pacifist more golden, than I can ever paint it, with my naive little love of anti-violence...
