Grapes For My Grandmother

So I'm back, maybe many of you didn't even know I was gone. It's strange how often many things, happen all at once. I was getting a new floor, a beautiful wooden birch floor, in my bedroom at my parents house. I was looking trough school ads for schools in Oslo, because I might want to start doing something. I was going to talk to someone that would maybe help me out and give me school advices and such and such. But they had to get me in on a later day, because of a tight schedule, so that will be next month instead. Office people never change, always so busy.

But it was a good thing that I wasn't going to Oslo this month, for this appointment. Because other things happened. First of all; my grandmother died and my computer died as well, on the same day.

My grandmother took a nap in the afternoon and never woke up. She was old, but not sick. My dad was shaken when he came home and told us and I said he could have given the things he brought his mother that day, to someone else, instead of bringing it home. When I entered the kitchen afterwards, I felt sad about having said this, because there I found blue grapes and two small chocolates. They were meant for my grandmother, because my dad always bought little things for his mother, every day. I couldn't get myself to taste the grapes and it was only in that moment, that I felt a really heavy sadness.

Sad, but not really so much because of my grandmother, but because a time of my life have really left me. All my grandparents are gone now and the childhood memories, of a completely different world feels distant. And I'm a person that worry about the future a little too much and I never wanted to grow up. I don't know how new generations can make me feel as content, as I did in the past. Because I was happy as a child. I don't want to have to seek happiness, somewhere else...

But time moves on for everyone and I have found, that I shouldn't be too sensitive, for this world. I fit in, I belong. And although I'm easily hurt, behind my hard shell, I'm a romantic by heart. And I'm an optimist, because dreamers are always optimistic, behind the dark pessimism. And sometimes life is okay and there should be a place for me as well...

So I'm clicking on my new computer now and it's good to be back. I was able to save all the things in my documents folders, pictures, music and texts, before the old computer said goodbye. But I was not able to save my desktop images and my bookmarks. So now I use an old version of my over 6000 web bookmarks, a version I saved in Bookmarks Plus some months ago. I had also saved them in my Yahoo Briefcase, but they didn't work when I tried to import them into my browser. I thought you only had to make a saved weblink of them, trough the export method. It irritates me greatly, that Yahoo Bookmarks only lets you save 1000 bookmarks. I mean what kind of webnerd only need to save 1000 bookmarks? If anyone know how to easily save a lot of bookmarks, maybe they will let me know.


Old Comments
These comments are taken from the site, where I used to keep my journal, before I moved it here.
You can add replies to the entry, or the comments below.
From Bernard: I'm sorry about your grandmother, Raven. But there are certainly far worse things than to go the way she did, without suffering, while asleep. Also, I am glad to know that beneath the hard shell you are soft at heart, a romantic, and "optimistic, behind the dark pessimism." Good luck with school, or whatever you decide to do.

From Raven: Absolutely, I totally agree Bernard. There are a lot of people who would envy, the death that my grandmother had. And she had lived a long life too. So a death like that, are mostly difficult for those that miss the past. The only bad thing about it, was that she died on my dad's birthday. Of course it was not so nice for my dad, that his mother died on his day. Anyway, yes of course I'm a romantic and I bet you have noticed, that I often think more with my heart, than with anything else :D Thanks for the good lucks words.

From DAG: Ohh im sorry for your grandma .. and particularily for your dad .. Its a sad feeling to lose your loved ones.. But i agree that not having to suffer is the best way.. Ive thought a bit about losing loved ones lately.. My parents are getting old and weaker.. Not acutely serious but i worry .. If they had to leave id prefer that they went without being sick first ... I lost my grandma in 1980 and my granddad in 1992 both towards the end of the year.. my grandma was 70 and my granddad was 85.. I never knew my dads parents.. they were gone long before i was born .. And to talk about "time".. Time marches on forever .. We cant stop it.. Its going to move on im afraid, even though we might try to resist it .. And maybe we need to deal with it like surfing.. Surfing the wave of time .. But i know what you mean when you talk about the past happy times.. I also had a few of those.. And i miss them.. But they are in the past and the NOW and the future is what is coming.. Ive lately come to think that the NOW might be what we need to concentrate on .. To learn to enjoy the moment more. Im going to miss you if you leave for oslo and im going to feel like a failure for never trying to meet you while you are here.. But your wave needs to be surfed.. And you need to surf it. But i hope for an email now and then .. And I can understand the feeling you had about the grapes , the gift that did not reach its destination .. And my heart goes out to your grandma and dad.. But she is now as they say in a better place.. Maybe sometime we'll meet them all again .. But not in this world. No worries though.. Our job here is merely to surf the wave as best we can ... Best effort .. Thats all we can do.. Best effort in the moment .. And btw i have to poke a finger into Bernards side again :-D Ive never REALLY considered you as being in anyway hardshelled .. Its just the horror movies I cant quite relate to anymore :-) Though i did like what i probably cant put into any other words than "the Stephen King feeling".. I cant quite put into words the feeling. But i definitively know what makes the stuff fun.. Its a similar thing to science fiction.. Where the "sense of wonder" is part of the attraction.. And as i said before.. MY attraction to horror was almost completely in the literature, but these days im too weak to deal with anything out of the ordinary.. So i think ill ease myself back into literature via SF.. If i can fit it into all the non fiction web reading ... Cause i read alot on the web ! :-D AND TO FINISH OFF: A FANFARE for your new computer !!! Congrats deluxe !! I hope its nice !! :-) Happy for you :-)))) And im glad that that was the reason for your short but complete disappearance from the web :-p AND BTW: DO YOU NOW have a DVD rom for the new computer ??? And are you sure that nothing can be salvaged from the old harddrive? How did the computer collapse ?? Was it an electrical or software crash ? A virusrelated collapse? In that case it might be a lot of fuss to fix it..Maybe you could buy an external harddisk enclosure and put the old disk into that.. But that might be wasted money of course and i guess if the computer really died the disk might be "a goner" as well.. I should offer to help but that would involve me daring to come visit.. And that is a chapter in itself... And maybe i couldnt help anyway.. But its kinda frustrating that you should lose the contents of the disk.. Oh boy i have made a babbling comment AGAIN ... WILL I NEVER LEARN.. Sorry to everyone :-P Please ignore my ranting =)

From Kristina: No, please write as much as you like Dag, I have told you so before; I love the replies, no matter how short or long they are. I have just been a little busy with my replies lately, my new computer consumes me, totally.