I remember I hurt my foot severely in a small accident, years ago. It's strange how you see everything in slow motion, in moments like that. I saw my foot twist and break and in the motion, my ears felt suddenly clouded. Like small clouds had moved into the tiny space, in my ears and I heard no sound, no sounds... And I felt a heaviness in my body and a calmness and I wasn't at all aware of that I had cried. I looked up at the ceiling and noticed the hands on my face, clapping my cheeks (things like that are always very uncomfortable, when people do that); -"Are you okay? -What happened?" But I had no words and as the ceiling zoomed in on my eyes, I waited for the short moment that would occur, before I would pass out. The moment of nothing. The moment of silence. The moment when I would have no control, no feeling and let everything just pass me by. I waited for it. But it didn't happen and I was so close. It felt bitter...
I had a similar moment, after a surgery in my knee. I sat up on the bed side, while the nurses held me up and the little clouds came again... no sounds... until I heard the voice of a nurse; -"You better lay back, because it looks like you are going to pass out"... -Yes, wouldn't that be great?, I thought to myself. I'd rather be unconscious, than here. Where's the pills?"
Maybe I have a death wish, deep down, or maybe I just have a very dark humour. But it's the unconsciousness I often feel, that made me this way. I think...
I was in a huge little candy store in Germany once. Outside the candy store I saw a tall transvestite, or transsexual man, all in women's clothing, for the first time in my life. Small things like that makes me happy, so maybe I should get out more. And there I stood in the candy store thinking, what I'm thinking right now; Out of all the eatable things in the world, I would easily be able to pick something enjoyable, if I had all the candy in the world. Right in front of me. But there in that store, in that moment; I wasn't able to pick anything at all. And it's typical of me. If the good stuff, or the happy stuff, are right there in front of me, at lengths arm; I feel unconscious, unmovable, a non-functioning person in every way.
Is that normal at all? Because I'm also like that, when it comes to school, career and my personal choices. I have no idea what to do. I'm not flexible. I want something I could truly feel good about. But there's too many choices. There's not enough choices. So when people ask me, I don't know what to say. I'm a pathetic crafts artist, that hardly ever create anything artistic. And now I haven't done it for many years. I'm nothing... Give me a break... Just leave me alone...
It's like that with romance too. He's probably there, right in front of me somewhere. But I wouldn't dare to meet him... He's the candy I was too lazy and way too confused to be able to pick. And I just blame life in general.
I want it all. I cant choose out of all of these brands. There's no time. There's too many people here. I don't know which one I'd like. I have to study them first. I cant think. I want someone else to pick for me, or help me like you help a kid. And I'm not a kid anymore and should have to grow up.
Hell, I don't even have that sugar disease, that makes you pass out, if you don't get sugar now and then. I must fend for myself, in my mind.
I shouldn't feel unmovable, wishing to be unconscious, just so I could drift away and someone else could deal with it all. In myself, I'm a very independent person, I don't share my world with anyone. But I'm a very dependent person, someone that lives to be unconscious, because of the fear of not handling, all the responsibility. And for the help and the support; I'm a person that just growls at people. I'm not thankful. Not enough. I strongly want to enjoy the moment, to let it embrace me and make me calm. I strongly want it, because I cannot enjoy the thought of the future. I worry too much, there's not enough space in my head, to fill with pleasant moments. So I numb myself with small pleasures, music, films and games. And I cant be thankful. Not enough.
I remember when I had double pneumonia and they attempted to save my life. The little clouds were there for many many days then, many weeks perhaps. I lost the connection to everything. I was blue, I was drugged, I was not in pain, I had no air. Little sweat pearls were constantly tickling me, on my face. And as I gasped for air, in hallucinating moments, I waited for the passing out. But it never came. Over and over again. It never came. At least not the way I would have wanted it...
You like to not remember your difficult moments. -"Do you remember", they asked me afterwards. I said no...
My life is mine. I don't share my world with anyone. And I'd rather wait for unconsciousness, than live in a conscious mind; a world where I cant even pick candy in a candy store, without feeling spoiled, ungrateful and lost...
These comments are taken from the site, where I used to keep my journal, before I moved it here.
You can add replies to the entry, or the comments below.
From PUBLIUS: I will write you an email on this one....
From the guy who hit the keyboard silly with words: Sometimes im not afraid to die. Sometimes i just want it all to end. I can never really Live anyway. I shouldnt write this cause it might scare someone. But some moments i just dont want to go on. Im scared of responsibility and commitments. So why should i live when i CANT LIVE FOR REAL?
From the nearsighted interNuttah who needs a compass: Nice entry .. Maybe the reason for seemingly not being able to choose is the fear of choosing the wrong thing.. or i mean, to make a mistake.. Maybe its neccessary to understand that one should not fear mistakes so much that one does not at all try to live. Cause mistakes will happen on ones way. "Making an omelette involves breaking eggs." Perfectionism the obstacle to creation ? Even though i write this I cant see how anything can change for me ... But still it does a little every day.. Dunno if its in the right direction. Unconsciousness seems nice but why not try consciousness first. Unconsciousness will come sooner or later anyway ... Still i dont know if i can live by those rules myself..
From the particlebug: You are an extraordinary person ! Never forget that.. Me on the other hand is pretty hopeless :-(
From Bernard: I agree with the bug... you are a very interesting person, Raven.
From lee lee: This column I liked... i have read some of your stuff before but haven't been back for a while. I write myself, and I rarely run into anything from others that i can enjoy, this was one of the few. I have never been unconcious before but I have left my body and seen everything from above, i have hallucinated and seen what may possibly be real in another world... Somedays I question if anything I have seen or experienced was real or not. Although I am more of a person who would like to choose somebody to follow and watch their every move, not out of an obsession but interest. I would like to see how somebody else lives to be able to compare on how I live mine. Anyways i'll be sure and check back for a new log. lee lee
From DJ: hmmm independent news?? http://www.rawstory.com