I'm a pacifist, some kind of anarchist, a naive nirvana believer, a rebel with a cause and I would have sacrificed my life for someone else, even if it would have meant very little to evolution, to the future, even if no one would remember or cherish it, but I would have never sacrificed my soul, not for anything in this world.
I'm a political romantic, I try to discover a goodness in everyone, and when I notice it, it tells me, that the only church that really matters in the end is the; heart.
I have been looking back, at all my entries about the Iraq war and I noticed how hostile and angry I often seemed, there's a real fury and contempt in there sometimes. And that's not really who I am, at all.
I was thinking about the recent murder of Osama Bin Laden and I came to think of the Columbine shooters... I have to admit, that I also would have liked to shoot someone, be in a war; it's a fantasy about intimacy, negative selfish affection for our ego and at the same time, it's all about the lack of affection in our society, in the world, inside our human culture.
I look at war movies and feel a strong dislike in the violence, it's so neanderthal and outdated, but in my mind, I put myself in the role of John Miller in Saving Private Ryan. In all my rough moments in life, whenever I felt useless and a waste of space, when I question my value in this place; I like to imagine I was Miller, bleeding to death on the battleground, giving up, giving in and embracing a consciousness and a true love, for the little man, that dies every day. The hunger and starvation in countries we don't care about, the billions spent on warfare. The moral debt in the west and it's arrogance and mockery of the third world. I would like to kickstart the soul and kill the fascistic philosophy that tells us, that the strong should outlive the weak; because we are in this together and Miller is neither weak or strong when he dies, he is just a man.
But I'm not him, I have never killed or saved anyobody's life. It's just not me. I feel good about that, but I'm not satisfied. So I imagine myself shooting someone with a water pistol. A lot of deeply rooted inner aggressions creates this. I see peoples faces in my mind, often when I close my eyes on the pillow. Someone I disliked at school when I was a kid, some fancy office asshole, tv people, yes often just a character type, a human being, a painfully sharp shining diamond, that I rub and polish with napalm in my bruised little heart, until it transforms into black lump of coal. It feels better and worse at the same time, cause hate is a high and a low.
But I should have lowered my gun after I fired, nice and slowly, like they do on film sometimes. And when the pistol smoke fades and the violent image slides away, in a warm morning light that falls trough a window, illuminating the room and the silence, creating a quiet paused pantomime play, a unique frozen moment between myself and my victim; cause for the very first time, we stared into each others eyes, with naked emotions; confusion, fear, pain, loss and hopelessness. Everything that lay behind the dusty fog of early morning light, cut out of all the tears we shed alone, completely unashamed, without morale or rationality, trowed onto a public stage with no actors, no masks, no fake smiles, just the silence after the gun blast and our eye contact for a short moment. And for the very first time; we were equal, truly, on the same level, both victims, just as frail. Then there's something new, a better you and a better me, if we survive... or we become worse...
People talk too much about the weather, they do, they hide inside a robotic character. We should have used more water pistols on each other and yes, we should have showed more concern.
Hatred is a completely ordinary human feeling, a selfish rage, based on a rational pain we felt. It has nothing to do with justice, it's the heart you peeled like an onion, it will make you feel weak, it will make you cry, even if you try to play tough. People can do irrational things because of hatred, become criminal against oneself or the world. But hate are always born out of a rational feeling, even if you forgot where it all started, it was something that told you, that you are a living breathing being and you belong and will always play a part, even if they cut you out of the play.
As a teen I used to penpal with a racist, he told me that hate is never rational, it's always irrational. He meant that he despised the society and all the humans that created it, but that hate and despise represent two different feelings. Hate is personal and self serving, often stupid too, while despising something negative in society is always logical. Just because you remove a rotten apple among the fresh apples, doesn't mean you hate it, it just means that you despise the rotten fruit, that inflicts the other apples. It makes sense, but if the apple is a human being, this idea becomes a selfish fascism, only serving one group, it's a racism, a blindness to the world and the feeling of despise eventually becomes a hatred, towards people we haven't even met, less know how to judge and weigh on any other scale, than the weak vs the strong.
And for example, what if we get rid of the rotten ones, wipe out countries with atomic bombs and kill small human pest rodents, with machine guns. What if we nail the worst of us to crosses and hail the death of a terrorist, when he's lying in a pool of blood, at the end of the world. What if we destroy everything, that we feel feed on the "good and strong" in this place. Would we be happier, live a more interesting, good life? Would we represent the logical ones in the end?
Living under a sun and a moon together, we are the gods that rule this place, and we are a race of racism. Because racism in it's purest form, has nothing to do with race, religion or health, it represent our human apathy, our neglect of this place. It's all about people dragging out the aggressive animal instinct, claiming that we are all, just another brutal beast, while burying the gentleness of the culture of Tamarins and Orangutans, some of the most intelligent animals that exist here.
He was a word twister, my nazi penpal. He liked to distant himself from his hate, thinking he could make it appear to be a sane political agenda, by calling it anything else but hate. So many people, who are not nazis do the same thing. It's true. But words are just words, you have to look beyond the smart fancy quotes, heavy complex philosophies for peoples group mentality. It matters not on the bottom of everything; we are all men, weak and frail, scared of feeling worthless, terrified of losing opportunities.
But where do our feelings come from? Is it the brain, genes, childhood, culture or the soul? I don't know.
I don't like to lecture, but I have thought for as long as I remember, that we should always think with the heart, because that's the core, there's your soul. Never be cynical, because we all want to be treated with respect, we want it when we stand on two legs and we crave it, when we are lying down in a gutter. And even if respect should be earned, big or small, you sometimes have to give it, before you receive it. In a world of revenge and violence, it's easy to be ignorant, but it takes true courage to be compassionate, in a place where compassion doesn't easily grow, or bear much fruit.
Some people will say, it's like trying to plant something in the snow, pick a different season, not this land, another world, become someone else, lose. But life is a game and that's all I know, we all want to play, invent new rules and create something, leave a part of ourselves behind, when we are gone. Even if a dream is doomed to die, you still want to dream it, because it was a part of who you are.
And it was our choice, our evolution, based on our intellect and growth as humans, where we separated ourselves from the animal and became wicked and good. There's no such thing as survival of the fittest, justice for all, natures cruel law, or the strongest right to decide over life and death, it's only apathy and empathy that rules the world.
We all bear it, so we should all share it. Don't put a price tag on someone, don't claim that there exist people, with no value in this world, cause your attitude will only be a reflection, of the apathy that feed and breeds, a rotten apple that poisoned everybody, a nuclear weapon that wiped out, everything that is good in us.
So I imagine myself shooting someone, for revenge, for self-hatred and for the sake of intimacy. Cause we were always so cold to each other. Exploring the shiny fear inside the eyes, dilated pupils, tears that dance in waves across the cheeks, twitches, the last breath... The fury of a fire in the heart, the warmth of anger and how good it would have felt, changing my mind, killing my hate instead, while discovering the gentle touch of forgiveness, as the black lump of coal turned to dust, there, in an illuminating early morning light... And then, the beast went to sleep.
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